When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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