mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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