Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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