At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
