im about as happy as oj after his trial
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
