i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
