it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
