So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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