Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
