I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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