party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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