apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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