Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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