we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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