were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
