I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
