if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
