trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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