i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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