bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
