The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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