Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
