I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
