dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
