I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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