I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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