Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
