so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize