He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize