my vag is so smooth its legendary
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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