i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
