her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my being single is dangerous.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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