I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize