Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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