I'm going to rape someone's good day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
