she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
