opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
