As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
