and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
