My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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