I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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