Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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