how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
