im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
