shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize