I have demons in me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
