what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
