Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
