i don't really know how much tequila is too much
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
