Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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