I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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