the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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