I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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