You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize