Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize