how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
