Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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