I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
worst night to have a conscience
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
