So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
